The life of a Husband of a Bi-Polar Wife. What a wild ride it is.

Waiting up for my girl

(This is my original post, I was able to retrieve it) I sit here at 1 a.m. waiting for the love of my life to come home from a night out on the town. My bi-polar wife of better than 20 years kept up a good fight for 19 years. She covered up her pain for me and our 3 boys until she went into mania. She started going out with her friends every week to bars. I thought she was just reliving her youth as 40 approached and wanted to give her some freedom. Late one night, she called me to pick her up downtown as she said she was in "hell". When I did get her, the truth of her double life came out. She had been meeting up with men at clubs and flirting around. One particular young man (24, I'm 42-she 36), had gotten her to "fall in love " with him. She  assured me that they had only gotten to 2nd base before she got scared. I hit the roof. My whole world came crashing down. I had no clue as I had never seen her have any interest in anyone but me. She swore that she loved me also but couldn't ignore her new found feelings for him. The ensuing several months saw her go through a full range of emotions, from wanting a divorce, to hating the boy. Long story short, she was hospitalized, diagnosed and medicated. I spent every available moment with her trying to work out her suffering. I so wanted her to "get better" and for us to get back to the way we were (or the way I thought we were). Just after the first of the year, unbeknown to me, she started chatting with other young men on dating sites. One in particular started a sexting relationship with her w/photos. Once again, I hit the roof. I was, and remain, emotionally spent. She closed her accounts and promised to "do better". However, she does use the excuse that she is "sick". She takes her meds and goes to her doctor, but I have little faith in her success. Tonight she went out with a girlfriend and promised to be good (AKA no drinking- as you all now how that reacts with meds/disorder). I am coming to terms with my role in making things worse. I am desperately trying to release my anger towards her and also the other guys (even when they new she was married). I have learned that the anger and rage only hurts me more and drives her away. God help me, I am only human and true forgiveness and understanding only comes with God's help.

I am not looking for any sympathy, as I have read several posts on this site worse than mine. I am standing with all you heroic, faithful, and understanding men who deeply love someone who is hurtful and selfish but above all- suffering from a terrible illness. My love for my sweet girl is much the same as that exhibited by you all for yours. I pray for a day when we all can see the fog of this disease fall away and behold the One that the good Lord blessed us with as they truly are, beautiful and precious. Keep up the good fight, never give up on them- even when they give up on themselves. God Bless.

Fight on

I just finished a 450 post when my internet crashed. I guess need to cut to the chase. I have been, and continue to be, in your shoes. 20 plus years of marriage to a beautiful sufferer of Bipolar disorder. I just want to stand with you all in our dedication and frustration. I pledge to NEVER give up on my love. No matter the hurtful words or deeds. If we who are charged with loving these wonderful women give up on them, who will stand by them? I know from experience that there are plenty of no-account dirt bags that would be more than willing to take advantage of our angels and cast them aside when they face the challenges that we are so familiar with. If I do nothing more with my life that help my wife battle with the demons planted by childhood abuse, I will have not done so in vain. NEVER GIVE UP, never stop fighting, and keep the faith for the day that the one God blessed us with will emerge from the fog of this monstrous disease.

New, and exhausted

Hi all,

As my post title states I'm new to the site and exhausted.  My wife is a really cool person, we enjoy skiing and running and all kinds of stuff together.  I really only get one good day a week out of her.  What I mean is I get one day, usually when we go skiing or do something active, as we like to do.  It takes her away from her life and she forgets all the stuff that she goes through.  She is medicated, and it definitely helps.  However, I am the emotional pillar of the relationship.  When I'm not on my "A" game then she goes into this punishing episode of how I'm not supportive and not there for her.  I work a lot, and I have a fledging business that I'm trying to start up.  I have a lot going on, period.  I can't always be emotionally available.  Like other posts I try and fake it when I'm not "on the ball".  The biggest thing here is she is trying to find herself I think.  She has a B.S. and she keeps trying to get an advanced degree.  She has dropped out of graduate school twice now, and racked up a lot of debt in the process.  She can't really hold a job that is full time.  She can't really pay her bills, and the burden falls on me constantly.  Every day is a wreck.  She texts me and calls me complaining about how hard her life is, and it just wears me out.  I feel totally exhausted.  Some times she tells me stuff, and I just have nothing to say.  I'm drained.  We are trying to buy a house, and I just don't know if she will be able to help with the mortgage, I'm scared about that.  I'm wondering if I should see a therapist to try and deal with this.  Things are tuff.  For instance she is now in an R.N. program and she hasn't found a job to pay for it, or her bills during the program, all the stress that comes with that is cascading down on me.  She waits till the last possible moment to deal with anything and that leads to more stress and more manic-depressed cycles.  It's like a tornado of negativity.  I can't tell her to plan ahead and be proactive, because that is just a trigger.  She doesn't learn from her mistakes, she just keeps repeating them.  I am lost.  I don't even now if this is a site for venting, but I just had to get something out there.  What the heck are supposed to do?

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Thank you, to whoever is responsible for this site!  I welcome any outlet for this pain I'm feeling.

I'll start from the beginning.  Actually, I'll start by saying I'm not actually a husband of a bipolar wife because she and I are not married.  A technicality that I hope is okay.  Anyway,  I met my girlfriend in 2008.   I had no idea she was bipolar and when she casually mentioned it, I had no idea what that meant but I found out fairly quickly.  Arguments, lies, a financial catastrophe, trying to meet guys online to hook up with in person, and a suicide attempt that landed her in the hospital for three days and it was pretty clear.   She was not not on any meds at the time, but was started on meds soon after.

Since then there have been some bumps in the road, but nothing like those early days.

Now her family lives in Florida (we live in California) and together, we've been out to visit twice.  The first time was uneventful.  Met her family, had a good time, etc. etc.  The second time was a different story.  Arguments in the car, blow up at dinner in front of her family (that was uncomfortable), and a lot of her leaving me by myself so she could have private conversations with her family.  Another argument later that same night resulted in her telling me to leave, go to the airport and fly back home.  Instead, I drove up the road and waited, thinking she'd immediately call and tell me to come back.  That never happened.  I finally drove back and worked things out with her.   We spent a lot of time and money planning that trip and it blew my mind that she chose to do those things and ruin our trip.  That was in 2011.

Since then, things have been pretty good between us.  Again, bumps in the road but nothing major - until now.  For Christmas, I bought her a ticket home.  With it being over a year since she saw her family and her sister being due to have  her second child, I knew she wanted to go visit.  Because of our budget and my work (and secretly also because of how I was made to feel in front of her family), I stayed home.   Since she was going to stay with her family and not really going to be going out, I gave her a modest budget of $100 which I was going to just tell her once she got there to go ahead and make it $200.

I never had the chance.  She ran up 3 credit cards and spent everything in her checking account - within 2 days of being there.  When I first started realizing on day one, I called her and asked her.  After making several excuses, she hung up and turned off her phone.  I found out she bought a new phone and set up service out there.  She won't give me the number and keeps the old phone turned off and only talks to me here and there on Facebook chat, but even that is rare.  I convinced her to call me today but she hung up again.  She's said that she feels free out there, etc. etc. I KNOW it's mania and I even said that to her but of course, she says it's not.  I don't know what it is about her going home (stress? excitement?) but this is twice now.

She's supposed to come home on Tuesday but at this point, I'm not confident that she's going to be getting on that plane.

Sorry for the wall of text.  I actually thought this was going to be short.  It does seem to help some to have typed that all out.  Thanks for allowing me to be a part of this community.  I really appreciate it.

JF

Light at the end of the tunnel

Firstly, I it means so much to know that there is a possibility that I might not be totally insane.
I have been with my wife for six years now, married for just over one. We have two children. Our relationship has had some hurdles but we had a bond that kept us going. My wife is a beautiful person who has lots of life and that is what attracted me to her when we first met. Soon after we met I noticed she had days that she would crash and no one could get hold of her, I also noticed she was having a lot of bad dreams. After confronting her with this she told me about been abused as a child and that she has suffered from depression. This wasn’t major but after we had baby she got a lot worse and then clear cycles appeared, manic, then depression. She blamed me for controlling her and no matter what I did to I still got the same responses.
As time has gone on I am seeing less of the beautiful woman I know and more of a demanding , blaming person with outbursts of Mania and days of depression with bouts of guilt and talks of suicide and constant wanting to leave but then saying she loves me the next day. I have even over the last two years been able to spot patterns and almost measure the rapid cycling. I try read up on all information around the subject to try help with not feeling I am the person causing all this as I am her target 99% of the time. I go to work and drive 45min to get home and wonder who I am going to face tonight. It isn’t always like this there are days that remind me of who I loved but when the dark side pops up and she say’s such hurtful things I wonder why I haven’t run away .
I know people have it worse with other circumstances in their lives but I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. She has seen many counsellors; she does not want to carry on with meds because it turns her into a zombie (our words).
I do love her but the verbal abuse and roller-coaster emotions are taking its toll and I am wearing out, loosing myself, soon there will be nothing left.
Where did this illness start getting the better of people? Has it always existed? Is medicine the only way of coping, could there one day be a better way?
Is happiness just fiction in life?

New here.

Can anyone say that this ever gets easier?

Will it get better?

Where is the guy that did the research and yelled the therapist and psychiatrist into submission? Is his wife better? Where is the guy whose entire income is dedicated to the unreasonable whims of this terrible woman? Where is the guy that has to write on the refrigerator everyday 'pajamas are not day clothes, take a walk'? Did his wife get better? Is it worth to keep crushing up the pills and monitoring the meditations and the yoga and the diet and being solely responsible for her ev

Do the happy moments genuinely MEAN NOTHING to this person?

Is the fight worth it?

Are five minutes of calm a month all I'm going to get?

What do I do? Am I in the wrong??

I am 27 and my partner is 27 with BP, manic depression aswell.
We have 2 kids and 1 due in about a week. She has been having Manic episodes and I have recently been diagnosed with depression. I work on average 60 hours a week and if I'm not there I'm at home supporting my family.
As I said earlier I have depression and because of this have found it really hard to deal with my partners episodes. It's got so bad that we argue everyday and we have both been getting aggressive. We are now separated even tho our baby girl is due in a week or so. I have tried phone convo's actions with her and told her countless times I don't want to argue. I have told her she needs to concentrate on birth and our other 2 kids but I am in the wrong for doing this. Last Thursday at the end of work I had a pint because I knew I was going home to hassle. 1 led 2 2 then 3 and 4 and so on. I got home at 6.30am and after trying to explain how I was feeling I was accused of cheating and have spent the last week up until Monday just gone trying to make up.
That is in short. I love my partner with all my heart she and my kids are my world and hate the situation we are in but what can i do. It's all my fault according to her and I am the worst man alive because I have left like she asked me 2. What do I do???

Hello to all

Hi, I just wanted to say hello to all the people here.

I just joined. Heres some thoughts from ...

Whoever started the blog - well done and thankyou.

It seems that the thing that matters most, which makes the difference, is how

much you love your other half. If the love is there, beneath all the many incidents, big and small, then

you will learn about the condition and how to live with it.

This includes learning to take care of yourself, and learning how your partner operates as a sufferer of BD.

Also bear in mind that, due to the nature of incidents resulting from the illness, only someone who

truly loves and understands what the partner is experiencing - and why - can care for her.

Your parnter  might not realise it or acknowledge it - but you may be the only person they have.

Cheers

mike

Exhausted, Hurt & Lonely but In Love

My first post on this site I found only tonight.

A little about my situation. I'm a divorced and remarried man to a woman who sweep me of my feet. My first marriage was a disaster. I have 2 children to my ex-wife and they live with her and two children with my current wife. The kids are Ages 18, 17, 13, and 3. My wife is a diagnosed Bi-Polar and my 13 year old son is diagnosed with having ODD and ADHD. Talk about your crazy work weeks. The conditions path leads back through my wife's mother and grandmother.

My wife and I have been married for about 4 years though we have been together for around 12. The best way to describe living with someone that is Bi-Polar is it's a struggle. It's not for the faint of heart and at times can leave you with emptiness and heart ache. The most important part to honestly remember is that the Manic portion of the condition shows its head to try not to take it completely to heart. I have learned to not add fuel to the fire when my wife is having a manic moment. In most cases I try to walk away. Though as most of you already now sometimes that near impossible. They can be extremely hurtful almost to the point where you feel they are getting pleasure from it.

I will admit sometimes I wonder why I love my wife.  As with most of the people that are Bi-Polar admitting they have the problem can sometimes be very difficult. My wife tells people she has been diagnosed as Bi-Polar and in many ways thinks thats the solution to her problems. She went to a counselor for about 4 years and was on a few meds none that she would take with any consistency. When the feel good they feel cured until the next manic episode and by then its too late to take the medicines. Currently my wife is Manic. She has been avoiding me and the kids for a few weeks, not totally just enough to escape into another world. My son finally couldn't take it tonight and asked her if she could maybe put the phone down and pay attention to the family. This started he getting angry, which turned into a full blown freak show of anger and accusations. A few days from now everything will have balanced out and my wife will once again be her old self full of live and love.

The first instinct is to question the reality of the condition. I can tell you its very much real, and not 100% controllable. Now with that said they can learn the signs and I have learned my wife's signs over the years to some degree. I can usually tell when shes getting close to a blow up. The problem I have is my son is diagnosed as ODD & ADHD.  So you put them both in a house together and they tend to feed off each others anxiety. I find myself playing referee a lot. I have to tell you sometimes I wish I never meet my wife. While I can honestly say I love her with every ounce of my sole its kinda like being married to the devil at times. She can be abusive mainly verbal but occasionally physical. While this is rare it has happened previously when I used to try to follow her around to calm her down during an episode which does not work and only makes things worse. She actually called the cops one time when she had one of her episodes trying to get me arrested because she was so angry fortunately for me they arrived with her still acting off the wall and worked with her to calm her down.

I could go on and on talking as it is theraputic, but I will wrap up. In short the condition is not unmanageable for most people, but you have to have patience and be committed to getting better not only for you but the people close to you. As a husband, you have to be understanding know your boundaries and look out for yourself and your children. The condition may take hold of people but that is not a true reflection of the persons heart. I fully understand that this could get worse at any time and may eventually lead to my wife leaving someday but I will always love her. I will always be there for her and will always be supportive and understanding though at times its tough. If the day ever comes that she wants to leave, I love her enough to also let her go, though it would break my heart.

Best wishes to you all.