The life of a Husband of a Bi-Polar Wife. What a wild ride it is.

10Apr/140

Sticks and stones may break my bones…….

I am new to this group. I too am in a similar situation of all the posts i have read on this group. Details of the ups and downs, the hurtful words my wife says, the triggers and i'm going just to put it as simple as i can... the non rational, not logical behaviors that come from my bipolar wife are taking pieces away from who I am and taking from my happiness as a person. We had another battle this morning where my wifes "demon" showed its face in what should be a simple topic (the word her therypist gave to us" when she was on a rampage). We have been trying To have another child and so she has been off of her medication. She doesnt activily treat her condition/illness (exercise, stress releaving activities, proper diet etc.) . This morning while trying to step away and get my feelings, thoughts and emotions in order i had a simple child hood saying pop into my head. I kept repeating it in my head and out loud. I know it sounds a little silly but the simple childhood saying  is: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". At first it seemed to help. I tried to convince my self that is is true. I got emotional. I kept repeating it, over and over with more emotion each time. I wish this were true. I am going to try and remember this silly saying when the "demon" comes around. I hope it helps. Somehow i think it is only wishful thinking but it is something. I really don't see how we are able move past theses horrible things they say when we are really just trying love them. We can say the nicest things and somehow their condition turns it 180 degrees and makes us an "a" hole or a jerk that has somehow ruined their life. Makes them feel the way they feel. Sorry i am going on and on but some how I know that you all know where i'm coming from.

Filed under: Thoughts No Comments
24Mar/140

FACING MY OWN CHALLENGES WITH MY WIFE’S CHALLENGES

Today, my wife wants to divorce me, blaming me for every episode and more. Last week, her thoughts were much different. Times before that, different as well. Furthermore, her mother seems to be in complete denial that my wife needs some kind of help.

It all started in 2010 when she experienced her first psychotic breakdown and hospitalization. Then a year later, after psychiatry and medicinal management, she experienced a second breakdown. After being hospitalized again, she finally found the right psychiatrist and meds that worked well for her.

Then, her father passed away about a year later and she turned to heavy drinking, while still on her meds. Her psych doc suggested rehab for alcoholism in order to detox her body from everything, including the meds he had prescribed, in order to truly evaluate and assess her situation. After a trip to the emergency room due to alcohol poisoning, she finally agreed to rehab.

Now, after almost a year of sobriety, she relapsed and experienced her third breakdown. She ended up in the ER and a mental facility after she left the house on foot and was found by police nearby yelling and screaming while lying down in someone's front yard.

My issue is that I feel she spent too little time under doctors care at the hospital this time around, leaving me and our family in the dark by not signing release forms for us about her prognosis and aftercare once she was discharged...except for her mother. Her mother and father, according to accounts my wife has shared in the past with psychiatrists, doctors and councilors, played a big role in the scars my wife now bares. They were physically and emotionally abusive during my wife's childhood.

My wife, however, refuses to go to rehab, seek any help whatsoever, wants me out of the house, blames me for everything, and her mother is in complete support of her actions, decisions and behavior. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my wife, kids and grandkids, but her mother is even getting a lawyer for her and totally believing every accusation my wife lays on me. That mother-in-law of mine has never been there for my wife...as a child and in adulthood, not even when she went through her first two episodes. I feel like she is trying to play the hero role and making up for lost time, or something. Either way, she is not making things easy and I fear she is contributing to my wife's psychosis. What should I do???

Filed under: Thoughts No Comments
19Nov/132

Too Scared Too Leave

I'm almost in fear for being on this site for fear that she might someday read this and think to herself  as to why I had to come on here and bash her.. I"m not here to bash anyone, especially my wife. I have read a lot of postings on here and wish that I could cmment on everyone, because I like you all, am going through this.. I'm at the point where I ACTUALLY do believe that it is my fault.. We have a 2 year old daughter and she has two kids of her own.. She punched me in the face last week and broke my glasses.. I ran for my life .. I love my wife sooo much that I'm just at the point where I dont know what too do.. I feel like an unfit and unstable father and so helpless because I feel like if I do leave, that my daughter will not be safe in the house.. I have no where to take her.. I feel so useless and I feel so bad for my daughter for putting her through this .. As I'm typing this, she is texting me that she is sorry eveything.. I dont know anymore.. I'm just about to give up and hope for the best..  I have no where to go and no money .. cant afford to be on my own,, Too scared to leave because I want to be there for her, I want to help her through this time in her life but I am slowly realizing, that it might get worse before it gets better, if that is even possible.. I have a feeling that this will all come to an end when one us put in jail and loses everything ...

Filed under: Thoughts 2 Comments
15Aug/133

The Tighter You Hold On…

Hi. My story is a little different from most, considering I am only twenty years old...and married. We've been married now for a year and a half, and together for almost three years in total. For the first year and a half to two years, everything seemed normal. My wife was pretty happy, but like anybody else, she had her downs and ups. Until about four months ago, that was the status quo.

More recently, she's been all over the board. All of a sudden she's "never happy", and "feels trapped". She says she needs more attention, but when I comment that she already has my attention, she says "not yours!" She talks about divorce, and some days openly advocates a peaceful separation. Other days she is all over me, cries about how she needs me, and smothers me with all the love I remember from just six months ago.

Then, one month ago, she cheated on me. She was up front about it, admitted it freely, and told me to leave. I packed a bag and went to my mother's house. For two weeks we were "separated", even though we saw each other almost on a daily basis. Finally, she broke down, and one night told me she wanted me to stay when I went to say goodnight. We were happy again, and it seemed to me that things were calming down, going back to normal.

Four days ago, exactly a month after cheating the first time, I caught her flirting in internet chatrooms. I wasn't angry. I knew she was a diagnosed, untreated bipolar. I met her fear and anger with calm and reason, and expressed my sadness that she had lied to me again.

I know this sort of infidelity is common among bipolars. I also know that until I can get her to go for help, it won't stop. I love my wife. She is the one thing I value most in the whole world. I would die for her in an instant.

But it hurts so much. When she says that it's not her bipolar talking, that she means what she says, it feels like I've been stabbed through the heart. When the next day she takes it back and says she loves me, I feel alive again. But I start to see it creeping back in as the night goes on. Before long, she's saying the words again.

The medical term for this is "rapid cycling mixed epidode" and it is a common bipolar effect. I want to get her help. I can see the signs, and when she's rational, she says she needs help. When the strange up-downs begin again, she angrily claims that she likes her ups, and she doesn't need or want help.

I'm not here for sympathy. I'm just here to put it out there, so that maybe it will help me cope.

Filed under: Thoughts 3 Comments
26Jul/131

Wife is Bipolar

My wife of 23 years has been through a lot in her life as a child and as woman. Our marriage in the beginning was great. We did everything together. As the years passed I noticed drug abuse and alcohol abuse. She would say she was covering her pain from childhood. i noticed a lot of spending on things and money taking from our credit cards. She would go out and the car would come back damaged.  I let all that pass without saying much. Because she always had believable excuses.

she has been told by her doctor that she is bipolar ,add and OCD. Last year she came at me with a knife and cops came and arrested her. Now the last 3 years are like we are roommate.

we have no sex life, and she is always fighting with me verbal. Saying how a rotton husband

i have been, she wishes she never married me and said she wasted 23 years of her life.

I have been through to much and I am getting sick. I mention divorce . She said fine.

I will feel bad if I file for divorce knowing the state she is in. I truly believe she does not

love me anymore.

 

 

Filed under: Thoughts 1 Comment
17Jun/131

HOPE!!!!

I found this site like 20min ago. I spent the last 20min reading everyone's story. after the 4th-5th story, I realized it was no coincidence that I could relate with most things that were said. I think we all discovered this site with the same question in the backs of our minds "is it just MY wife\girl-friend" or are all bi-polar girls (and probably guys) like this?

Well its plain to see, its not just MY wife. The one thing I did notice is.....in the 20min I spent reading (granted Im sure I missed a LOT of stuff from earlier posts) it was 98.5% doom and gloom. Now I am openly admitting that my situation may not end on any more of a positive note. However, that being said, let me share something with you. I might be making a leap of faith here (no pun intended), but Im willing to bet that most of you who have posted or are reading this, have AT LEAST tried praying to God.  The reason I figure this is, it is written on every man's heart that there is a higher power. And when the most important person in your life self-destructs, regardless of your previous beliefs, you are willing to try ANYthing, to make things right.

Well I am a born-again Christian.....and I had a period where I was walking side-by-side with Jesus, but Im in a slump right now.   I don't "blame" that on my wife but, as most of you all are, I am so emotionally and spiritually drained that I just struggle to see what good prayer will do me most days. Just a few days ago, my mother in law (who is a gall-darn SAINT I think) recommended a book to me called "the Love Dare". this was the book that was in the movie FireProof, if anyone has ever seen it. Long story short, it is a 40 day commitment (or dare) to love your spouse. It is all rooted in biblical scripture, but it is just as applicable regardless of the biblical ties. Just in case you're thinking "Oh here goes another Jesus freak trying to pray my problems away" do me a favor and shut your mouth....(and mind for that matter). I am a Christian, and even ' I ' think "oh here comes a brother\sister trying to tell me "Ive got the victory.....they have no CLUE what I'm dealing with!!"

But let me be the first to tell you, this book is LEGIT!! The first 2-3-4 chapters you will think "this isn't for me....MY WIFE needs to read this book",  but just keep reading. It talks about something called "agape love". I've known what this was for years, but its never been so vital to me, as it is now. Agape love, is UNCONDITIONAL love. It is love that Jesus had for us all, while we were yet still sinners (biblical quote here, but I forget the passage)  A quick expert from the book,  which emphasizes my point is, when the author says "why do you love your spouse??" Immediately I started to scramble... "Oh God, I don't actually know why?"  the author continues..."Is it because when you met her, she was kind, and sweet, and affectionate, and she cooked for you?? And now she is not ANY of those things right?  So why do you love your wife?.......If you loved your wife for all the amazing traits she possesses, and here and now, she is no longer like that....then you wouldn't possibly love your wife now.  But Agape love (God's Love) literally allows you to love the person you've PROMISED to love regardless of how they treat you. And THAT my brothers....is where you can find hope if you choose to. I am willing to share my story with anyone who wants to hear it, but Im gonna tell you up front, its gonna sound a LOT like yours. But where mine differs is....regardless if my wife threatens divorce, or mistreats me, or abuses me verbally, through Jesus I no longer see her attacks as strikes at me, but I see them as cries for help. Its completely possible you've all seen them as cries for help as well, but if you're anything like me, Understanding of the disease or not, you ARE GOING to take her assaults personally. Im here to tell you, that it IS possible to love your wife unconditionally without feeling emasculated, depressed, or ashamed. Unfortunately, the one thing I can't tell you is, how this is all going to end. I used to have a firm faith that 5-10yrs down the road, my wife and I would counsel other couples, because we had REALLY been through it. But nowadays...even with all of my faith, I feel like I could very well end up divorced. The point to this post is, Though it would SHATTER my heart to see my wife walk out on me (especially when it is pretty clear that there is no chance of anyone treating her better) I now find myself in a place where my emotions are somewhat (and at least temporarily) removed, and I can see my wife's reactions for what they actually are, which is almost always a reflection on a negative self image. I sincerely hope at least a few of you guys give this Love Dare book a shot. If you're even on this site, that most likely means you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain!!

Filed under: Thoughts 1 Comment
14Jun/131

Should I just give up?

I find it amazing how the stories here are so similar. My wife's journey has all the bells and whistles: the blaming, the feeling controlled, the misdiagnosis as unipolar depression, the leaving a husband and three children and driving 2000 miles with the man (her boss, an ordained minister) who "gets" (her words) her happened in 2011. She saw that behavior as a huge mistake, was thankful that I was willing to forgive and work toward a reconciliation. We've been trying to restore our marriage since early 2012, all the while the BP2 was misdiagnosed as unipolar depression. She (my wife) thus had been prescribed the wrong med regimen. She was properly diagnosed as BP2 by a new pdoc this January. The pdoc suspects she's been suffering with the condition for over 25 years. While regulating the new, more BP-specific meds, she attempted suicide twelve days after the diagnosis. She shared with me that her doctor told her that her "bad choices"in life were the result of manic episodes.

After two weeks of inpatient and a week into outpatient treatment, she became convinced that she felt good, is thinking clearly, and she wants a divorce. She now declares she's always felt controlled, having had to live up to others' expectations, her whole life. Truth be told, I tiptoed around her moodiness for years, picked up the slack with so much passive parenting with our children, etc. In effect, she was the one with the control. I question whether she's still manic now, as the current symptoms, even with new meds, are textbook (I've had to be a quick study). After almost four months going back in forth between PHP and IOP programs, she's finally been discharged. At 44, she wants to go to nursing school. This is a small departure from pursuing a Masters in Mathematics which she'd been talking about for a year, up until two months ago.

I have no access to the outpatient therapists, her therapist she sees weekly outside the program, or the pdoc, by her design. I have no idea whether she is lying and thus creating her own reality with the therapist and pdoc. She is telling me that they see me as a trigger and recommend she limit contact with me (they approved two one-day furloughs from her outpatient program for her to meet with a divorce attorney). From what I am researching, throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, is a last resort, not a first recommendation of a mental health professional to their patient, unless there is some abuse or danger involved. Although a bit cynical, do I agitate her condition because I stand in the way of her having what she's convinced she wants, a relationship (or as so many of her friends see it, more euphoric mania) with the boyfriend? I love my wife, but I'm very frustrated and wondering if I should just give up. After these months, I see no change.

Filed under: Thoughts 1 Comment
14Jun/131

Same old story

If you're reading this post, you're probably like me... desperate for some kind of answer or just some shred of hope for things to be ok.  I'm glad to find that there are so many people out there who are experiencing the same thing, but I am crushed to find that there are no answers.  No light at the end of the tunnel.   I've been married to my wife for almost 5 years and we've been together for 9.  I'll spare the exact details of our relatioship because it is exactly the same as what is described by pretty much everyone who has a bipolar spouse.  Suicide attempts, no sex (for a year now), anger, stays out late, financial issues, obsessive behavior, manic episodes of extreme productivity to the point that she can't keep it up and crashes into depression...  She has sought attention from other men from the very beginning of our relationship but nothing has ever come of it.  She's just "flirty"... or so I thought at first.  She's recently been taking an acting class and has become completely obsessed with the people she is in class with.  She compares me to them and how open and honest they are and asks me why I can't be more available to her and willing to have deep conversations.  The truth is, I don't feel safe opening up to her because I never know what version of her I'm going to wake up to the next day.  I'm tired of being hurt and disappointed.  She recently told me that she can't imagine having a physical relationship with me.  She wants it, but just can't bring herself to do it.  Last time we had sex a year ago it happened about every day for a week (preceded by months and months of nothing) until she one night had a panic attack when we were starting to get busy and said she didn't feel right about it.  I've had to fulfill my sexual desires with the empty and sad world of internet pornography and it has numbed me in a way that I hate.  I used to have a very healthy appreciation for sex and a very positive outlook about all things sexual... now I feel like sex is something to hide away and be ashamed of.  Its not something to talk about with trusted friends or even my wife.  I'm ashamed that its come to this and I want to have that part of my humanity back.   We've been in therapy for 3 solid years and my therapist has recently asked me some pretty pointed questions about what I want from my life and has basically told me, "the pattern of behavior you are seeing is likely to continue."  I've been holding out hope for 3 years of therapy that she will 'come around' and suddenly things will be better.  I can tell that my therapist has been gently leading me to be open to the idea of leaving my wife to save myself from a lifetime of pain, but its nearly impossible to consider.  For one, our financial situation has become so bleak that I can't even afford to leave right now.   And... like everyone else in here... I LOVE HER!  How the hell can I leave someone I love so much?  I love her in a way that is absolutely indescribable.  I like to think that our love is bigger than any disorder.  She and I talk fairly openly about these things and she has even brought up that she thinks sometimes I would be better off if we got a divorce.  She doesn't think she will ever have a stable relationship and told me yesterday that this current manic episode has made her think of suicide all the time, she's started cutting herself (again) and makes herself throw up after most meals because she feels the need to control something and get the bad feelings out of her.  Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I had never met her.  This is not the life I wanted.  I wanted to have kids by now, but I can't imagine bringing children into this family.  I want to have a partner who shares at least a few of my interests, but all she wants to do is go to acting class and indulge in manufactured personal connections with other people so she can forget about her real life for a while.   Inevitably, she will come out of this manic phase and all the "close" relationships she's formed with the people in her acting class will come to a very abrupt halt.  They will find out she's married (which she doesn't tell anyone) and it will seem very very strange to them that they actually know nothing about this person they thought they had a close relationship with.  Meanwhile, the person who DOES know who she really is (me) will be at home waiting patently for her to arrive at 2:30am.  She shows up late so often that I hardly have the energy to get angry or even bring it up anymore.  I just don't want to get into a big fight in the middle of the night, so I just try to be positive and ask her how her class was and go to sleep.  There seems to be no way out of this, but I just can't bring myself to face the reality that I need to leave.   If I could afford it, I am pretty sure I would leave... but even as I say that, I think about everything that would involve.  It would tear apart both of our families (who are extremely close).  Her brothers are 2 of my best friends and dammit, I took my wedding vows very seriously but there's a fine line between being a good husband and a martyr.

 

Sorry about the long rant... I guess  I used this more like a personal journal entry.   Anyone have any advice or thoughts?

Filed under: Thoughts 1 Comment
14Jun/130

I am lost

I do not know what to do anymore, I have been married for 7 years now to a wonderful woman. She told me a bit after we got married that she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder . It has not been to hard of a struggle to work thru these past few years there has been no physical abuse but she does says harmful things to me.  I like to joke a lot and she does not seem to have a problem with it at the time but then a few weeks or months later she seems to slap me in the face with it. I know that i could be a better husband and i try but it never seems to be enough. I work about 45 to 50 hours a week and try to spend as much time with here and our kids as possible. We have a 15 year old and a 5 year old, the 15 years old is my step son and he calls me dad and i am pretty much considered his father. The problem i am having is that i am going on a deployment in the next month or so for a year, because of my job and the unsure future. I tried talking to here when i first heard about it ans she told me to do whatever i wanted to do. I have tried talking to here more about it but she does not want to talk to me. I just went out of town on business and the kids went to their grandparents house so she has been at home by herself this week. She put me a note in my laptop before i left that said i love you and hurry home to me but since getting here this Monday things are steadily going down hill, she said today that she does not care if i come home and that it would be better for me to just stay. I don't know how to take this, i don't think that is how she really fells but i don't know. I do not want to leave her for the deployment but i do not know what to do, since i am the financial burden falls on me i have to know that i will have a job. If anyone has suggestions please let me know, like i said i am lost, don't know what way to turn and i love my wife.

Filed under: Thoughts No Comments
22May/132

How do you guys cope?

We are not married, but we have been together on an off for a year. She has anxiety and personality disorder, and from the research I've done I believe that she is also bi-polar. Maybe she has been misdiagnosed. She fits all the the symptoms of bi-polar.  For the first six months we were together things were wonderful, we we're in love, started talking about moving in and building a life together. We were practically living together already. Then the mood swings stated, at first I didn't know what it was. I tried to get her to talk to me about it, and tell me what was wrong. I pushed a little too hard, and made things worse. After a day of us not talking, she wrote me a long message explaining her issues and how she felt. We worked things out and it got better. I few months more went by, and it started again. This time around I was better prepared and handled things much better. I thought things were good, until she had  bad night at work. She went manic and took the whole thing out on me, not physically, but through text messages. She suddenly broke up with me, and then she begins picking fights with me via text messages, telling me she hates me and never wants to see me again. I had to cut her out of my life to cope and move on.  A month later she apologizes and tells me that she misses me. We hang out a few time, and talk a little over the next few months. Then one day as I'm getting off work she begs me to come see her, tells me how sorry she is for everything and ask me to take her back. I do, I love her, and I missed her to. For the next two months things are wonderful. We're working on a new relationship, and she was really trying to cope with her issues, and really working to better her life and things between us. And then it happened again, some negative things happened for her, and she just went over the edge. It's always things outside of our relationship that's the trigger. When we are together thing are great, and then something happens and it's over just like that. No matter how good things are for her or us, it's always just matter of time before she sabotages it. I should leave her, but I don't see her when she is like this. I see something else. It like I'm dateing two women, one is the woman I love, and the other is a demon that want to destroy everything in her life.  I love her, and the last thing I want is to be another person who has walked out on her. There has been  a lot. I know this isn't her, this is a disease that gets in the way of her life. I want so badly to help her through this and be there for her. Even now, We're still apart but talking. She is always dragging me back into this. A few weeks will go by of us not having any contact, never more than three or four before she contacts me to tell me she misses me. We have been apart for two months now, the other day ofter not talking for almost two weeks, she contacts me. We talk, things are civil, she tells me about the hard time she has been having and that she really misses me. I try to be there for her, and do something nice to say "hey no matter how hard it gets, someone still cares about you."  This is something that has helped in the past, but not this time. I am now head jerk of the universe, for what, caring about her? She tells me that I ruined her life, that everything that has gone bad for her is my fault. She even told me that if she were to kill herself it would be because of me. I know she is drunk, I know she has been isolating herself and self medicating. I have begged her to please let me help her. I know things are not over between us, they never are. They never will be until she gets help, or I cut her out of life completely. I don't want to do the later. I know she will just be back again, and I want her back. She has no one left in her life now, no family, nothing. It would be devastating to her. I love her too much to do that. What do I do? I'm willing to do anything for her.  How do I help her, or get her to get help with this. This disease is ruining her life, and mine as well.

Filed under: Thoughts 2 Comments